It has taken me most of my life to realize that I have anxiety. I have always known that I get overwhelmed in certain situations, that I like to know what to expect before it happens, and don’t enjoy surprises very much, if at all. But man, 2020 has wreaked all kinds of havoc on my anxiety-prone personality. 

Something you need to know is that for me, anxiety is not debilitating (although it was during my peak of PPD…story for another day). Most of the time, I can actually function fairly well, continue to care for my family, check in on friends, post happy things on social media, and go about my daily life, all while struggling deeply (read: internally) with anxiety.

Most of the time you would never know I am “struggling” at all. And that is not me being fake, it is me coping, me trying to figure it out. Me trying to be okay when I am not.

You may have never known this about me and likewise people may be surprised to learn about your struggle or the struggle of a loved one. But anxiety does not look like what we often expect. It is a very personal, internal struggle and one that can not easily be explained.

For me, anxiety looks like not wanting to go to places I have never been with a lot of people I don’t know.

Anxiety looks like insecurity that I don’t normally have.

It looks like not participating in conversations. Anxiety looks like me feeling alone in a sea of people, wanting to withdraw, and not wanting to participate in activities. This social anxiety is very challenging in my life considering I lead a women’s ministry where I am often in front of others and around groups of women who I don’t know all that well.

 It also comes out in caring about the minute details of things, which may be confused for trying to control people and situations. It is not about controlling people, their behavior or situations at all but rather trying to grasp for an ounce of something that is known and feels secure. 

It looks like me getting mad at those I love most for little things. It looks like me not being the best version of myself. It can manifest as yelling and having a short temper. 

It can also rear its ugly head as not doing something that you know you should do. This might be not doing dishes for several days at a time or watching your laundry pile up to a humongous mountain but not being able to find the energy or willpower to get those things done. Or even not being able to do something that a loved one tells you is important to them but you just can’t bring yourself to do it. 

To those of you who have a loved one dealing with anxiety…In moments when we feel anxious, the best thing to do for us is just “be”. You won’t be able to say or do anything to “fix” it. (Husbands: read that sentence again!!)  If you have someone in your life who struggles, just give them a hug in that moment. Pay attention to trigger points. Care enough to ask, knowing that you may get tears and that it most likely won’t make sense to you.  Ask anyway. 

Sharing about such an intimate part of who you are feels raw and it is extremely difficult. If you share and get rejected or feel judged, you might think, “I sure won’t make that mistake twice!” (Been there!) Sharing about anxiety is a vulnerable moment. It is hard because we are aware that it isn’t logical and to the average person, the easiest thing to do is “just get over it”. Unfortunately anxiety doesn’t work that way.  Believe me, if I could “get over it” I would have by now! 

To my fellow anxiety struggling friends….I see you. I understand you and you are not alone! Find people who you can share your struggle with and who will listen, even if they don’t understand. Share anyway despite being afraid. Be willing to be vulnerable, even if it means you might be rejected or judged. I promise, if you share with the right person, you will feel less alone, better able to cope, and more valued than ever. 

The best lesson I have learned while dealing with my anxiety is to go anyway. Participate anyway. Engage anyway. In spite of “not feeling” like it, doing it anyway. 

I want you to know you are not alone! Don’t walk the road of anxiety alone! Don’t stay in your dark place by yourself. Allow someone in with you. Reach out to someone who will allow you to share and work through your feelings.  Most importantly pray for God to fill you with HIS peace in moments of high anxiety. 

You are not alone! Just keep going!