Can I be completely honest? For the first several years of marriage I attempted to “fix” my husband.  I showed him the “right way” to do things, made sure he was always aware when he was bugging me and often tried to persuade him onto my side when we did not see things eye to eye. I know, ugly, right?! It was a fantastic approach. Not! I learned the hard way that it only made him shut down, grow bitter towards me and feel as if I was unpleasable. And in a lot of ways I was. 

Marriage has a funny way of magnifying the things we don’t like about our spouse and if we do not check our attitudes, we grow resentful and bitter. Living with another human is not easy. Throw in a few kids, stress at work, childhood trauma, and extended family dynamics and you have a perfect storm of difficulty and stress. 

During one of our perfect storm seasons, we spent some time in counseling where I learned that a much better approach than my obviously ineffective antics was to simply PRAY! I was told that prayer would either change my heart or my husband’s but that either way God would work in the situation. 

Now I realize that prayer can not fix your marital problems or make them go away but it can change your perspective and give you a heart for the person you are praying for.  (This is the case in ANY relationship, not just marriage) Prayer in marriage allows us to see our husband for who God made him to be rather than who we see, which if we are honest may not be someone we always like. 

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to be told I’m wrong. It was humbling to say the least and I had to swallow my pride and recognize that I had been approaching things in my marriage all wrong.

I still revert to my old ways at times but since receiving this wise counsel, I have had many opportunities to pray over difficult situations in my marriage that have honestly felt hopeless at first. And as I’ve prayed, God has done exactly what our counselor said: changed my heart or my husband’s (and sometimes both)!  Jeremiah 29:12 says that when we call on His name, He listens to us! James 5:16 talks about the effectiveness of prayer and Mark 11:24 says when we pray, God will give us what we ask…not necessarily as WE see fit but God will work in our lives and in the situation! 

You may be dealing with some really tough things in your marriage! Don’t for a second buy into the lie that everyone else has the perfect marriage! No one does! If things seem hopeless, take it to God! Be honest about your pain and disappointment because He truly cares! Find someone you trust to talk to and can point you to God’s truth! And be willing to make changes in your own heart if that is what you feel lead to do. Don’t waste time trying to fix or show your husband the “right” way! Pray and watch God work! When you do not see a solution to an ongoing struggle in your marriage (or life in general), trust that God is bigger than any problem we could possibly face!  He is for you, not against you!  Take your struggles to Him! 

Don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional who can help you through your difficult season. Seeing a counselor allows us the opportunity to share our hearts with someone who is neutral, who can listen objectively and offer tools and advice to help mend broken fences. There is no shame in seeking help. It could literally transform your marriage and it is 100% worth the time and money that it takes. 

Know that even when you feel like no one truly knows or sees you, God fully knows and cares about every detail of your life! You are loved my friend!

Photo credit: Simply Holly Jo photography