Over the past several years as a mom, I have learned some valuable lessons about friendship, some of them painful, while others have been huge blessings of freedom.  

1.  Always be real. At the end of the day, everyone wants to know they are “not the only one”. We want to feel accepted, loved and cared about. Many of us overthink, overanalyze or wonder if we will be liked. We put pressure on ourselves to say the right thing, act a certain way, and make sure our kids are behaving appropriately.

Making friends can just be plain awkward at times and maintaining our existing friendships is more difficult than when we were kid-free!  

As a mom friend, sympathize often, encourage openly (tell another mom she is doing a good job!!!) and always be yourself. 

Be authentic and open about your struggles because it helps others identify with you. Your true friends will love and support you. Don’t ever compromise who you are for someone else.  Real friends don’t ask you to do that. Real friends love you, with your messiness and imperfections included. Just be YOU!

2.  Choose your friends wisely. We have very limited spare time as moms to spend on friendships. 

Choose friends that build you up, make you better and are people you enjoy being around. 

A wise mentor of mine once shared this tidbit of advice that I will never forget; Don’t allow people that are not “your cup of tea” to have a place on your “shelf” of life.

In other words, you won’t be best friends with everyone and it is OKAY!  Your people are out there! If the people you call “friends” do not have the same ideas of friendship that you do, it is okay to move away and find new ones. Be wise in who you select to spend time with because you will become like them and remember, your children are always watching. 

3. Give as often as you take. Friendships are a two-way street. Sometimes we need to be listened to and encouraged but we need to be willing to do the same for our friends.  We need to care for our friends, invest in their lives, check in on them regularly and pray for them!  

Having friends to walk through the day-to-day helps us thrive as mothers, knowing that we are being supported.  

When we take time to show our friends how much they mean to us, it takes the focus off of ourselves which actually is very healthy.  We need to be there for one another as moms, willing to help and support each another.  The term “it takes a village” is so true! Be a blessing to another mom often!

4. Ask God to bless your friendships. Maybe you have not found your “tribe” yet.  Maybe you feel lonely and alone.  Pray that God will bring people into your life this year to celebrate with you in the good, and cry with you in the pain because we all need those kind of people in our lives. 

God cares deeply for your happiness and wants you to have friends to walk with in motherhood. We need one another to enjoy these sweet (and sometimes naughty) kids and to help keep us sane. God knows that!  Pray for God’s wisdom to show you the women He wants you to surround yourself with!

5. It is NORMAL for friendships to change over time. Even the closest relationships can change.  You may have had a life-long best friend but for a lot of people, this is simply not the case. Most friendships ebb and flow depending on your season of life and who you are naturally  around.

Friendships take…

1. Consistency

2. Time

3. Intentionality (to continue)

For example, if you are sitting at soccer practice waiting on your kids twice a week, you might have the opportunity to get to know another soccer mom and become friends, enjoying your time talking and sharing things going on in your life. (consistency + time)

If you are working regularly with someone at work, you might get closer to that coworker and develop a friendship. (consistency+time)

If your kids are in preschool with another mom’s kids, you will likely have a lot in common during that season. (consistency + time)

But if the practice soccer season ends, or you find a different job, or your kids are no long attending the same school, your relationship may also change. If you are working every day with a coworker and you change jobs, you will have to work pretty hard to maintain that level of closeness you once had. And if you are no longer seeing that friend your kids go to school with, you will have to create intentional opportunities to get together rather than seeing them automatically seeing them. 

This has happened in my life more than once.  It is not that I no longer want to spend time with these friends, it is simply a matter of our paths no longer crossing. Unless both me and the friend continue to make an intentional effort, our friendship may change and drift apart. This is normal and nothing is wrong with you. 

Some of the friends may “stick” though.  It is a blessing when they do! 

6. Don’t place your self-worth in your friendships—friends will disappoint you.  Raise your hand if you’ve ever been hurt by a friend.

You too?? Oh good, I thought I was the only one for a minute. 

The truth is, relationships of ANY kind are messy because we as people are messy.  We bring into relationships good and bad experiences from our past, that shape our perspective and our actions towards one another.  When we have a certain reaction towards something that was said or done, our friend may have a completely opposite one, which triggers a conflict.  Sometimes, friends choose to work through those moments and sometimes they don’t. 

I have experienced both sides of conflict and the hurt that is caused when a friendship ends burns deep. How you work through conflict…well that is a talk for a different day. BUT a friendship ending does not mean that you are unworthy of love or friendship.  

Your identity and your worth is NOT defined by whether or not you are good enough for others.

If we approach life by allowing other’s opinions to define who we are, we will be left feeling less than, broken, lonely and constantly shifting who we are to try to please everyone around us. We have to make the conscious decision to not allow this type of unhealthy striving occur in our lives.

Your self worth comes from within and in who God made you to be and that does not change on a daily basis based on your approval from others. 

Regardless of where you are in your current season,  I hope you know that you always have a friend in the One who knows you and loves you still.  Praying you feel known and loved today sweet friend.