How to improve the communication in your marriage with Weekly Marriage Meetings

I have sat across the table from many tear-filled women as they share the pain and disconnect they feel in their marriage. These women many times feel hopeless, lonely and unheard by their spouse and would give anything to improve the communication with their spouse.

Friends have told me that they don’t even share their feelings with their husband anymore because their husband doesn’t seem to care. Others have said they never discuss important things like parenting, internal struggles or changes they would like to see in their marriage because they don’t feel like they have a safe place to approach them. I have to believe that if women are feeling like the communication in their marriage needs improvement, many men probably are too.

Who doesn’t want to improve the communication in their marriage? Even the best marriages have room to grow. And for those who struggle, certainly no one plans on being in a marriage where you end up living more like roommates than husband and wife. I would go so far as to say that when you got married, you had very little idea of the true reality of what you were about to walk through. You might have even thought it was going to be easy. Ha!

After so many years living in a vicious unhealthy cycle of barely communicating, how do you even get to a place where you are in a thriving and healthy marriage? Is it even possible?

What if I told you I found a tool that I guarantee, if used consistently, will improve the communication in your marriage exponentially?

Communicating How you Know Best

If you’re like my husband and I were, much of what we brought into our marriage was modeled by our parents. We did our best with what we knew and then developed some of our own habits as well. We yelled when we could hardly stand that annoying thing that had been bothering us. We had big blow up fights where we both were trying our best to “win”, not realizing that with every insult and negative comment that was hurled, a wall was coming up between us and tearing us apart.

We ran away when we were angry because we didn’t want to deal with the conflict and it felt like avoiding the issue would somehow make it go away. We tried not to bring up topics that ended in disagreements, again attempting to sweep them under the rug. I promise, none of these things helped. At all.

I’m sure you’ve heard this before: “Communication is Key” to successful marriages. And it truly is essential to the health of every marriage but very few people are given the tools to set themselves up for success in this department. I know my husband and I weren’t. We did our best with what we knew with little knowledge or resources about how to improve the communication in our marriage.

So we spent some time in counseling to unlearn some of the unhealthy habits we had developed.

Side note from someone who cares: If you’re struggling in your marriage, don’t be ashamed to get professional help! It doesn’t mean you aren’t going to make it, but don’t let it get so bad that the “D” word even comes up before you decide to see someone! We go to the doctor when we’re sick, the dentist for a toothache and well, we should see a counselor when we are having personal or relationship struggles. Your marriage is important! Get the help because sometimes a tool to improve the communication in your marriage isn’t enough!

During this time, we learned a lot and the process of meeting with a Christian counselor helped begin to heal some of our wounds that had been festering. It was a process and it still is. But the single most helpful tool we have found to improve our communication in our marriage has been something called Weekly Marriage Meetings.

A tool to help you improve the communication in your marriage

My husband discovered Weekly Marriage Meetings through a podcast by the Art of Manliness. (Listen to it HERE) We listened to it together, although I must admit, I was rather hesitant at first. But as I listened with my husband, I was quickly sold on this idea, mostly because of the guest speaker and original creator of the idea Marcia Naomi Berger, an author and therapist, who wrote the book Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love. Berger states that,

“the art of marriage is really the art of keeping up to date with your partner, of staying on track with your own and each other’s life goals as they emerge, exist, and change. It is about supporting each other and staying connected emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually.”

In her book, she outlines the importance of weekly marriage meetings and the process for successfully carrying them out, which ultimately leads to better communication in your marriage.

Berger’s words reminded me that in life we have SO many distractions that take us away from our roles as husband and wife. Most of us focus more on our careers, on the kids, and even on our friends than we do on each other.

Many people end up living parallel lives that get interwoven occasionally but often drift apart entirely after kids are grown. And both my husband and I have vowed to never allow this to happen to us because we have seen it happen all too often.

You might be asking, “Why in the world would I want to have a meeting with my husband? And every week? Who has time for that?” I promise you, I initially had the same thought BUT hear me out!!

Marriage Meetings have improved our communication in a huge way by allowing us the opportunity to regularly work through issues in our marriage, while also talking through the day-to-day plans of our family.

What is a Marriage Meeting and how can it improve my marriage?

A Marriage Meeting is an intentional 30 minute time that you set aside each week in order to better communicate with your spouse. It has four distinct parts:

Appreciation-expressing gratitude to your spouse
Chores-making sure to-dos are getting done and assigning tasks
Plan for Good Times-scheduling date nights, vacations, personal time and family activities
Problems/Challenges-addressing conflicts/issues/changes in the relationship and in life in general

The 4 parts to the Marriage Meeting

Part 1- Appreciation (expressing gratitude to your spouse)

It is easy to go about life and fail to thank your spouse for the little things or even notice them at all. If the laundry is getting done each week, the bills are getting paid, groceries are in the fridge and a paycheck is coming in, you may be going through the motions of life without sharing appreciation for one another at all.

Words of affirmation is a love language that is often overlooked when there is a breakdown in communication and by intentionally setting aside time to express gratitude to your spouse, you are being purposeful about sharing the ways your spouse is making you feel loved.

Starting the meeting with expressing appreciation will most likely bring you both into a neutral place ready to lean into one another and able to hear the other person as they share things that are happening in their life.

It is always nice to hear compliments and gratitude expressed but appreciation looks different to everyone. Discuss any expectations surrounding what the word “appreciation” means to your spouse.

Do your best to find ways to express appreciation in the way your spouse desires.

Here are a few things my husband and I have shared during our Appreciation Time in the past:

I appreciate how you have been keeping up with our laundry and I always have clean clothes to wear.
I love how you play with our kids and take time for them even after a long day of work.
I am thankful that you take care of all the curveballs that come our way each week like sick kids, issues with our house and difficulties with the kids.
I appreciate that you have been proactive to get things done lately.
I appreciate how you woke up with the baby five times last night. I am sure you are tired.
Thank you for cleaning up the mess in the living room last night after the kids went to bed.
Thank you for making such a delicious dinner tonight.
I appreciate how you do the dishes and help me clean up.
Thank you for cleaning our windows that were really dirty.
I like how you driven you are in life and how you always want to strive to be the best you can be. I like your determination and work ethic.
Thank you for making me coffee every day. And for knowing exactly how much creamer I like.
I appreciate you letting me have some time to myself.
I loved watching you coach our daughter’s soccer team. You were in your element and did a great job.

Focus on big picture things but don’t be afraid to share specific examples either. Jot things down in a note on your phone throughout the week so you don’t forget when your next meeting comes.

We usually spend about 3-5 minutes on this portion of the meeting. Keep your comments positive and focused on your spouse. Don’t make this portion of the meeting about something additional you wish they would have done or that you would like to see happen more often. Appreciation should be entirely positive.

As you express appreciation for one another, you will be surprised at the way your communication will improve simply because you feel more loved and seen.

Part 2-Chores (making sure to-dos are getting done and assigning tasks)

Prior to beginning our marriage meeting, I had a mental (or written list) of to-dos and so did my husband and we might discuss them in passing but I now realize that what we were missing was a teamwork aspect that can be created by expressing these chores together during a marriage meeting.

We both have different roles in our marriage that we carry but this portion of the meeting isn’t intended for defining those roles, but rather for the weekly tasks and to-dos that need to get done. During this time, you can take turns expressing your shared responsibilities (as a couple) of the things that need to get done and assign one of you to accomplish them.

We usually take turns going through a brief description of what our week will look like and any evening events or sports we have going on. My husband does not need to share with me a daily schedule of all the meetings he has and likewise I don’t bore him with the day-to-day plans or errands I need to run. We talk mostly big picture things or things outside of the ordinary.

Here are a few examples of how our chores portion of our meeting goes:

On Monday I have a meeting that will start at 7:30am so I won’t be around to help with the kids in the morning.
It’s time to get the oil changed, would you have time to take it in sometime this week?
We need to pick up the soccer jerseys, would you be available to grab them for me?
I will have to work late on Tuesday.
I have dinner out with friends on Wednesday night this week (Note: This is a reminder, not the first time we tell each other about this).
We need to call a garage door company—decide who has the margin to handle this.

We usually spend about 7-10 minutes on this portion of the meeting. Both spouses should take on tasks as they are able and be realistic with one another about the reality of getting them done. Talk about the timeline and expectation of when these chores can get accomplished and review them at the next meeting to see if anything still needs attention. Think of this time as a team working to accomplish the ultimate goal of running the family as smoothly as possible.

Knowing the chores and to-do’s that need to get done around the house and in your lives is a huge key in improving the communication in your marriage.

Part 3- Planning for Good Times (scheduling date nights, vacations, personal time and family activities)

Couples that play together stay together because having fun and sharing positive and meaningful experiences is extremely important in maintaining a sense of connection in marriage. Spending time together, dreaming together and sharing good times is beneficial to every aspect of your life, not just your marriage.

Planning for good times is my favorite part of our Marriage Meetings because we get to “dream” and think of the things we WANT to do, rather than the things we HAVE to do. It allows us to be intentional about our time together as a couple, in our friendships and with our kids. When we plan for good times, we have more time together and are generally happier overall.

First, we schedule date nights and if a sitter is required, we put that on the chore list of arranging for childcare. Sometimes we discuss what we will do but usually we just pick a date (since that is half the battle) and decide later what we will do and where we will go.

Next, we discuss if we want to think about any vacations or holidays that are coming up and the plans surrounding those. Obviously this is not sufficient time to actually plan those times in detail but again, selecting dates and talking through schedules is the goal. Sometimes this leads to assigning other chores like looking up flights (and being ready to share them at the next meeting) or figuring out what a work schedule will look like and/or vacation days.

Then we talk about any time we want to get away on our own or with friends. We try to each have at least one thing each week where we get away and refuel outside of the house. In certain seasons we are better at this than others but it is certainly our goal.

Encourage one another to take time with friends and/or do the things each of you loves! I remember when I was a stay-at-home mom of two young kids and I felt so overwhelmed with the amount of time I was already spending with my kids. When my husband wanted to go work out after work or go out with his buddies, it was almost more than I could handle. But when I am also able to get some alone time doing something that fills me up, it is much easier.

It is important to communicate your desires/expectations to your spouse. I am almost always in a better mood after a girls’ night and my husband is often more mentally available for our entire family after he has spent some time on the mountain bike trail. Be willing to give one another this time. It is important!

Lastly, planning for good times involves planning family activities. During this portion of the meeting we often look at our Pogo Passes (passes we purchase with fun things to do around the city) or think through fun places to go as a family. We also intentionally put family game night or movie night on the calendar and tell our kids about it in advance to give them something to look forward to and to hold us accountable.

We also have spontaneous family fun like waking up on a Saturday morning and deciding to go on a family bike ride, or deciding to go out to lunch after church, but scheduling activities in advance ensures we are being intentional with deepening our family bond.

In addition, we schedule individual kid time during this portion of the meeting. We have four kids and while we love our big family time, the kids are very different when you get them one on one. We do not have a system for how this happens, it is more random than anything, but around every kid’s birthday we always take them on a two-on-one mommy/daddy date or activity. We do our best to do this throughout the year as well, but honestly we should be better at this than we are.

By intentionally planning for good times, we ensure we are having fun and enjoying life as much as possible and of course, this time encourages better communication overall in your marriage.

Part 4- Problems/Challenges (addressing conflicts/issues/changes in the relationship and in life in general)

Okay, now I am sure I am not alone in saying that talking about challenges and problems is my least favorite part of marriage. BUT it is the most important of all of these parts of the Marriage Meeting and should not be avoided or overlooked, especially since improving the communication in your marriage is your goal.

During this portion of the meeting, it is important to share something with your spouse that you feel is a problem or challenge. At first, it is best to share a problem that is not super deep and that can be easily addressed rather than a huge issue that has been brought up over and over. Over time after you continue to meet, you can bring up deeper issues. You should remain calm, state feelings and facts, and not put down or blame your spouse.

The goal is to work as a team to brainstorm a solution in order to ultimately solve the problem or struggle. Each spouse should bring something to the table but not more than 1-2 things each. And since you only have a small window of time, you likely will not reach a solution in that amount of time. By bringing it to light, it will make your spouse more aware of your feelings and since you both should be working towards a “teamwork” mentality, you will be able to think about your spouse throughout the week as it relates to this problem.

Here are some ideas:

The importance of keeping the garage entry picked up and free of shoes and clutter
Going to bed earlier because you aren’t getting enough sleep
A child who is not listening well and brainstorming ideas for how to handle the situation
Work stress affecting the overall mood of the family
Lack of emotional and/or physical intimacy in marriage
A big purchase that needs to be made but struggling with saving the money necessary
A decision about school for your children
Frustration about the frequency of eating dinner as a family
The problem of too busy of a schedule
Extended family frustrations
Desire to workout and eat healthier—getting the family on board

The longer you have regular Marriage Meetings and the more often you are open with your communication with one another, the less big issues will arise during this portion of the marriage meeting. Although not fun, it is worth it to spend the time on the final portion of the meeting.

Marriage Meeting Guidelines

Here are some more guidelines to help you navigate your meetings successfully.

Put it on the calendar— discuss a time with your spouse that will work for both of you, when you will be mentally available to focus on one another. Decide a time and day of the week that works for you and stick to it. If you find that you are missing meetings, reassess the best time to meet and adapt your schedule accordingly.
Keep it to 30 minutes– Setting a time limit allows you the opportunity to meet, share things that are going on, plan and work through some things but without feeling like it is dragging on forever. Do your best to keep within this time frame. At first they may be slightly longer but eventually you will get into a good rhythm.
Prepare in advance- Keep in mind that because there are four parts to the meeting structure, and you have limited time, it will help you greatly if you come prepared to your meeting. For example, consciously look for ways you are grateful for your partner throughout the week so that when the time comes it easily comes to mind. If both spouses have looked ahead at their calendars, the chores portion should also go fairly quickly as well. Similarly, having a problem/struggle in mind prior to the meeting will help you focus when your spouse is speaking rather than trying to come up with what you want to talk about.
Find a place and time for just the two of you– Marriage Meetings for adults only. Your kids should not be involved in this process and should not be allowed to bother you during your 30 minutes. If you have young kids who do not understand this, you will have to be more creative about when/where you schedule your meeting (during nap time or after they go to bed).
Both spouses should share equal responsibility- Take turns leading the meeting and/or going first. This will allow both of you to own different parts of the meeting each time thus creating a collaborative effort.
Focus on one another- Be fully present with one another by putting away your devices, turning off the TV and feeling ready to focus on your meeting.
Bring your calendar with you to each meeting- I don’t know about you, but I can’t remember what is coming up tomorrow let alone next week or next month. Bring your calendar to your meeting so you can talk specifics of what is coming up and also know how to plan for good times.
Take notes- My husband and I both have a notebook that we bring to each meeting but you can certainly use a digital format if you prefer. Each meeting we write the date then jot a few notes about each of the sections of our meeting. Keeping a written log of our meetings allows us to easily look back and see what we appreciated about each other in the past and also to reference notes about chores, etc. We can also observe any patterns we see with struggles and also celebrate when we have worked through them.
Perfection is not the goal- If you and your spouse miss a week or even two, pick back up again or adjust your meeting time to one where you will be better able to stay consistent. The whole reason you are meeting is to better communicate, so if meetings aren’t happening, work together to come up with a solution. Don’t place blame on one another for failure to meet. Work as a team to design a schedule that fits well for both of you.
Believe the best about one another– I can just about promise you that there will be moments when your Marriage Meeting won’t feel very “fun”, especially during Part 4-Problems and Challenges. Do your best to remain calm and respectful and see your partner as a teammate working towards the same goal. You are not against each other. If you need to end a meeting because emotions are high, do your best to do so in a calm manner. Come back when you can be calmer and you can finish in a positive and healthy way. You are on the same team.

The greatest gift you can ever give your kids is a healthy marriage!!! So make sure you are making it a priority. By implementing Marriage Meetings into your routine, you will set yourself up for more open communication and a better aligned vision of your lives as a whole as it relates to your jobs, your kids and your home life.

I can’t wait to hear how your first Marriage Meeting goes and the ways you are improving the communication in your marriage! Comment below with any tips you and your spouse use to keep an open path of communication in your marriage! We could all use a little extra help in our marriages in order to live a life that’s Mostly Thriving.

Melissa Emerson

Hi! I’m Melissa Emerson, a wife, a mom of four, and author of Mostly Thriving. I am passionate about helping others thrive in their homes, in their motherhood and in their self-confidence. I know that to thrive we have to continue to learn every day. I promise to be real, vulnerable and authentic as we learn together how to live a life that’s Mostly Thriving.

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